


Been There, Done That

by Periphyton



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is one smug little bitch, Homophobic preachers are assholes, M/M, Married Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), POV Outsider, Someone gets a Big Damn Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 20:24:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Periphyton/pseuds/Periphyton
Summary: Our beloved Ineffable husbands get targeted by a homophobic street preacher. And the crowd goes wild.





	Been There, Done That

Do you remember a YouTube video that made the rounds on Facebook a while ago, about this ‘God hates fags’ type preacher who was yelling and shouting so much that some guy with bagpipes started playing next to him just to shut him up? Well, I’ve got one better. And I’d have my own viral video to prove it if my phone had been charged.

I was walking past my favorite queer café and bake shop when I saw it. Some self-righteous fuckwit was holding a sign about homosexuals and hell, complete with red flames around the edges and scary jagged writing. He had a microphone and was yelling some bullshit about homosexuals not being allowed into heaven. That’s when they walked out of the café. 

They looked like the God’s own proof that opposites attract. There was tall, dark, and handsome all in black wearing skinny jeans like he was born in them, black nail polish, and red hair like the hell fire design on the preachers sign. Dark glasses like he had personally invented cool. And then there was the Charles Dickens LARPer. Fluffy blond hair, dressed like he had just walked off the set of A Christmas Carol (the original cast, not some hyped up modern reinterpretation) and in general looking like a soft, round, blond teddy bear who is every kids favorite uncle pulling candy out from behind their ears. Of course they were holding hands and looking at each other like nothing else in the world existed. Like you could see the little hearts and stars circling around their heads. Tall, dark, and handsome was holding a box from the store. 

Preacher asshole sees them and zeros in after Dickens. Not TDH (Tall, Dark, Handsome) because anybody who wears that much black was obviously beyond saving. “Why are you doing this? How can any sinful earthly lusts be worth giving up your eternal home in heaven? This one,” here Preacher Asshole was waving his hands wildly at TDH, “This man of darkness is of the Devil, I tell you, the Devil! And he will drag you down to Hell if you do not leave him and fall to your knees in prayer and repentance! Praise the LORD!!!” He was for real spitting at this point, I tell you.

TDH dropped the box and I thought he was about to drop Preacher Asshole to the ground and rearrange his face. But Dickens just puts a hand on his chest like, I got this.

“Now, my dear man, I should have you know that I have it on the highest authority that I am not going to be dragged down to hell because of my continued association with this, how did you put it, Man of Darkness, because if I was, that would already have happened by now. Also, I’ve been to hell and to be perfectly honest, heaven isn't much better in my opinion, and I’ve been there too.” 

I don’t know how Dickens managed to look down his nose at Preacher Asshole, who was taller than him, but he did. The last time I heard someone use that tone of voice was my great aunt telling my mom off when me and my brother got our clothes dirty eating ice lollies. The best part was that Preacher Asshole looked like someone had just whipped it out and pissed on his leg. There was a crowd gathering around them and his face got even redder.

“The LORD will not be mocked! Homos burn in hell, and you will spend eternity crying out for mercy that you fell for sin and temptation but the doors of heaven will be shut for sinners!”

“That’s still better than watching the Sound of Music for all eternity,” TDH said. He looked like he wanted some popcorn. Dickens gave him a look like, shut up I’m in the middle of something here. Then someone in the crowd started singing “Doe, a deer, a female deer –“ 

“Is he worth it?” Preacher Asshole looked like he was trying to look sympathetic instead of spitting mad. “Is this man worth risking your immortal soul to hellfire and eternal damnation?”

“Well, you're right, perhaps I should check. If you don’t mind.” And then I swear he grabbed TDH by his shirt and deep-tongued him. Like, this wasn’t even French it was all the way down to his tonsils tongue fuck. Then he let go with one hand and _ slapped his ass and grabbed it_. 

The crowd went wild. *I* went wild, we were all screaming and cheering while TDH grabbed Dickens' hips and started grinding. Preacher Asshole looked like he was going to cry watching the men humping in front of him. I don’t think anybody even saw him leave ‘cause we were all watching the makeout of the millennium right in front of us. Yeah I’m sure everybody was looking at TDH but damn Uncle Dickens had a hot ass for an older guy. I’d grab it too, if I was TDH, and never let go.

Finally they came up for air, and we all gave them a round of applause. “Show's over, kids,” TDH said and picked up the box. “We’re taking the rest of this home.”

“And remember, everyone, that heaven and hell are both highly overrated, so be sure to love people here on earth. The ones who are worth loving, anyway. Toodle-loo.” Dickens waved his hand at all of us, and I swear I felt something. Like the opposite of a dog fart, everything just smelled good for a second and I was smiling like some dipshit because I knew everything was going to be ok. Then they held hands again and walked out with even more hearts and stars and butterflies fluttering around their heads. 

_____________________

In the bookshop Crowley was sprawled out on the couch and watched while Aziraphale enjoyed his pain au chocolat. “I don’t suppose it’s any coincidence that that was the third preacher you’ve kissed me in front of this week?” he asked.

The angel finished the last bite and smiled. “Not at all. It's Pride week, that always draws those nasty people out to bother everyone else.”

Crowley just sighed. “Alright, alright. But I get dibs on taking the next one, mkay?”

Aziraphale gave him a special smug little smile, and reached for the apple tart.

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun and quick to write. But I've been wanting to do something with these two calling out anybody who would give them shit for holding hands in public.
> 
> Also, for a bit of meta fan head canon, there's enough parallels between Aziraphale being told that demons can't love no matter how much it might look one might be trying desperately to love him for thousands of years, and the certain fundamentalist belief that gay, lesbian, and queer couples can't really love each other, and that only people who love God the right way by the right rules are capable of real love. 
> 
> So for Aziraphale to finally go, fuck that shite my demon CAN and DOES love me, more than any of you celestial wankers ever did, that would make him even more protective of non-heteronormative people in love, and ready to take on the people who would deny that they can love each other.


End file.
